Week 15-09-14 Archive

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YOU'VE BEEN WARNED

With so much junk broadcast on the Free View channels on TV, one has to be grateful for the unintentional coding system in promos used by them which alert us all to hyper junk.

There is often a single word or two in the programme description on screen or on the TV pages which is an indicator that the commercials might be worth watching, but the programme content is a definite "No No".

WRECK. This will be a programme about a ship that has sunk sometime somewhere and what you are going to get is blurred video of some indistinct object on the sea bed, and lots of stuff of frogmen blowing out air bubbles.

MYSTERY. Repetitive stuff about something that was never a mystery in the first place. Tries to perpetuate a sense of mystery by running in 5 minute slots without actually getting to grips with anything mysterious, and then virtually repeating itself, with just a slight variation of pictures on the preceding 5 minutes, and with a few different words of commentary.

SECRET.A programme about something that everyone knows about and which first became common knowledge 30 years ago under the 30 year rule

REVEALED. Something which the programme production company's 12 year old researcher has found out which they feel you should know about, unaware of the fact that you have known about it since you yourself were 12.

TRUE STORY. The only type of programme that does its best to stray as far from the truth as possible.

SKY PREMIER. This means don't expect anything that is being shown is for the first time. It hardly ever screens a film that has not been on it and every other channel, and frequently repeats the same film every day for at least a week, sometimes twice a day.

VIOLENCE. Probably the only truly descriptive comment. If they actually take the trouble to spell out that there is going to be violence, then you are going to need to keep the bathroom door open so that you can throw up without hindrance.

EXPLICIT SEX. Don't start getting excited and don't worry about the kids. Any school aged teenage daughter watching with you will have experienced much more in real life and will probably mutter "boring" and storm out of the room to find something more interesting to do


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EM!

There are some little known statistics applicable to the Scottish referendum which have not been given the publicity they deserve. I'm happy to correct this.

11,700,341 - the number of times Scottish interviewees on BCC radio 4, during the last week of campaigning, used the phrase "Em" at the start of and during sentences

1,120,275 - the number of times it was a Glaswegian making the utterance.

200,891 - the number of times it was a female Glaswegian.

11.023 - the number of times it was a Lesbian Glaswegian.

3,170,187 - the number of times the utterance was made 3 or more times in a single sentence of 3 words, being the average length of a Scotsperson's spoken sentence as in "Hey you Jimmy" or "A large Scotch" or "Bugger The English" and the exception to the rule "It's nae mah rund".

PS. For those Sassenachs who haven't figured out how to pronounce it, it is "Em" as in "Embassy" in English. For any Englishman who can't understand; "It's nae mah rund" - leave the pub and don't look back.


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